I’ve been dying to try out this new lasso and wear my new chaps so I reckon now is as good a time as any to hold another Cracked LCD Review Rodeo. Plus, I’ve played a lot of minor titles lately that I don’t think I could rustle up more than a couple of hundred words a piece for. Not that they’re bad games (well, not all of them), but some games just don’t warrant the full Cracked LCD treatment. Some of these titles should be thankful that they’re not.

So let’s get things under way with BAKONG, a new release from Asmodee games, designed by Antoine Bauza. Mr. Bauza last graced us with GHOST STORIES (covered in the last Review Rodeo) and it was a pretty good debut. BAKONG, however, is pretty much a complete disaster. Not necessarily because the game doesn’t work or there’s something fundamentally broken about it, but because it is a prime example of the kind of uninspired, boring, and routine design work that all too often gets published today to satisfy consumer demand within the hobby for more new titles.

BAKONG’s back story is some means-nothing piffle about hunting for emeralds in Cambodia. Players represent explorers trying to reach a temple at the end of a long, linear series of tiles with various obstacles and obstructions printed on either side. Each player gets a backpack tile in which they can store various implements and tools that can help them overcome the perilous Cambodian jungle. The catch is, the backpacks sort of work like the inventory system in RESIDENT EVIL where there’s a finite number of blocks, and each piece of equipment has a different shape. If you move onto a space without the proper tool, you take a wound so there’s a little inventory management element. And you also have to have space in your pack for any emeralds you find along the way.

On a turn, players roll two dice, choose one, and move that many spaces. The other die determines which tile in front of the player’s pawn gets flipped over, often turning a safe campsite into a perilous gorge or a quicksand pit. It’s a coward’s mechanic employed by designers who fear the dreaded “luck element”, giving the player a choice between die rolls. But beyond this supposedly clever mitigation of luck it’s actually a pretty standard roll-and-move game except for the fact that the spaces are on modular tiles rather than printed on a board. It’s a basic race that very, very much resembles the all-but-forgotten Wolfgang Kramer game THAT’S LIFE from 2005 mixed with that designer’s vastly superior adventure game GOLDLAND.

The problem with all of this is that the game is so dull, meaningless, and unsatisfying that it emerges as one of those games that most gamers will likely play one time and forget. Aside from the complete void of passion and creativity that the game represents, there is literally no depth, replay value, or surprise to it and the lack of conceptual theme forecloses on the game having any appeal beyond collectors of Eurogames and gamers who value single plays of obscure games over repeated plays of better titles. For me, BAKONG is a practically worthless waste of time and cardboard that will likely waste no time migrating to clearance bins and trade tables the world over. Mr. Bauza has already demonstrated that he’s capable of better design, and I hope his next release reflects his talent.

A far better Eurogame in current release- although not in the United States- is DEUKALION, released as far as I can tell only in Germany by none other than Hasbro/Parker Brothers. DEUKALION is a very simple game of trading, settlement, and warfare set against a mythical backdrop. Players sail little wooden triremes filled with hoplites around the Aegean, stopping at various ports-of-call to either beat the locals out of their treasures (and fulfill various pick-up-and-deliver missions generated by cards) or invade and set up settlements. There’s a little PVP and a big bad Hydra that wanders around looking to sate its appetite for Greeks. It’s a fun, simple mix of elements that larger games like MARE NOSTRUM and FIRE AND AXE feature but in a much lighter, frivolous context- and it plays in about an hour.

So DEUKALION is already on its way to goodness and has left the tattered corpse of BAKONG to rot in Hades at this point. But here’s the kicker- the game is actually surprisingly innovative, offering some fairly creative and different ways to resolve combat and assign actions. At the beginning of a turn, the player rolls five dice numbered one through three into this odd cup called the Kylix. It kind of looks like the bottom of a two-liter soda bottle. The dice fall into compartments, and the player gets to choose how the Kylix is going to be oriented. Depending on the orientation, players get various numbers of moves, card draws, Hoplites returned from the dead, Hydra moves, and active player moves. It creates some fun, simple decision points. Do you place the Kylix so you can use the Hydra to hit your opponent sitting three squares away at the expensive on only moving one space? Or is it worth drawing three cards to let everyone else move three spaces? It’s a neat system, I won’t be surprised when it turns up in a larger game in the future.

As for the fighting, each player’s boat is represented off-board by a card with ten spaces. Each space can hold either a Hoplite or a treasure. Hoplites are standard “meeple”-style wooden people. Each Hoplite has a sticker on one side with an “x” on it. When it’s time to fight, you and your opponent gather up all your fighters and throw them on the table. If they land X-side up, it’s off to Hades with them. If they land on their sides, they’re worth half a point. Flat, and you get a full point. Whoever has the most point wins the fight. It’s fun, silly, and actually pretty exciting. If you’re worried about the odds of how they’re going to land or if it results in fair and balanced results then you may be, as I like to say, at the wrong table.