I’ve created a good metric for whether or not you’ll like Shoot ‘Em Up, written and directed by Michael Davis:

Are you an adrenaline junkie?

Did you download the Hot Coffee mod for Grand Theft Auto?

Do you think 24 is too wordy?

Did you think Crank was a paragon of cinematic virtue?

Did you have to look up the word “paragon” just now?

If you said yes to the above, then Shoot 'Em Up is for you, action- packed and full of excitement. With its over-the-top humor and hyper- realistic fight scenes, you’ll wish movie theater seats came with seatbelts, so you can strap yourself in to enjoy the ride. The movie puts the pedal to the metal and does not slow down for refills.

If you said no, then you are not the audience for this movie, which is one long action sequence glued together by brief moments of plot. Mr. Smith (Clive Owen) is a carrot-chomping badass who protects an infant from a hitman, the aptly named Mr. Hertz (Paul Giamatti).

If you were expecting Michael Caine, you’re thinking of Children of Men, also starring Owen, a baby, a delivery scene, and a surfeit of bullets. You’ll find that one on DVD. No, this is the one with the lactating prostitute, DQ (Monica Belucci), who Smith enlists to feed the infant. (At last, a real reason to use a prostitute in an action movie.)

Shoot 'Em Up differentiates itself from Children of Men pretty much instantly, when we see Smith assist a woman in labor by shooting off her umbilical cord and stabbing a baddie in the throat with a carrot, the first of many carrot-induced deaths, actually.

Smith’s wielding a carrot makes him quirky and compelling instead of menacing, and I wanted to know more about the bodyguard with a conscience. Unfortunately it’s all the character development we get during the run-time. In other words, Smith has a carrot where a personality should be.

But other movies light on plot and heavy on action are still a cut above Shoot 'Em Up. The director has an unfortunate tendency to insert unpleasant details not in keeping with the action genre. So in between sprays of bullets, we get to see filthy toilets, feces, images of necrophilia, implied penis mutilation, and close-ups of foot fungus, sandwiched between one poorly gratified revenge fantasy after another. These moments left me wondering, “What? Why? Ew!”