On the eve of Halo 3’s launch, arguably the biggest video game launch of 2007, GameShark was given an unprecedented opportunity to sit down with one of gaming’s biggest legends, Master Chief Petty Office SPARTAN-117.

What follows is my exclusive conversation with Master Chief, Microsoft publicist in tow, as we talk about the pressures of having a console’s future on your shoulders, what it’s like working with a SPARTAN and what’s in store for gaming’s most notable soldier.

GameShark: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me this morning.

Master Chief: ...

GS: Oookay. Well, let’s get down to it. The Halo 3 launch is right around the corner. Obviously, the interest level is huge, but with so much riding on this launch, do you feel nervous?

MC: Look baby, Master Chief can only do what Master Chief can do, and only Master Chief can do what Master Chief can do. Master Chief don’t worry ‘bout that other stuff. Master Chief just stays focused on Master Chief.

GS: Well, sure, but still, there must be some sense of nervousness, what with the importance of Halo 3.

MC: Are you nervous?

GS: Me? No, I’m not nervous.

MC: Well there you go.

GS: But I don’t have the future of the 360 riding on my shoulders.

MC: Master Chief don’t neither.

GS: Many would say that you do.

MC: Well, there you go.

Publicist: Let’s move on.

GS: Sure. Sure. How do you respond to the criticism of Halo 2, specifically in regards to the story’s abrupt ending?

MC: Who don’t like Halo 2’s ending?

GS: Ah, lots of people. You know…those that played it.

MC: Master Chief don’t care ‘bout no gamers. They all can’t see past their TV anyway.

GS: You don’t care about gamers? But gamers are your key audience. They’re your only audience.

MC: Master Chief don’t limit his audience to no one. Master Chief’s audience is universal. Besides, Master Chief got nothing to do with endings. That’s all the writers.

GS: Sticking with endings, how do you feel about the ending to Halo 3 being leaked online?

MC: Master Chief don’t care ‘bout no leaks neither. It don’t matter if people know that Master Chief dies at the end. Master Chief ain’t really dead anyways. I’m in the flesh baby!

GS: Wait, are you saying that you die at the end of Halo 3?

MC: Well, they built a monument to me, didn’t they? When was the last time they built a monument to someone living?

Publicist: Next question!

Editor’s Note: We have no official confirmation of the Master Chief’s statements and wouldn’t say so even if we did. Please don’t hurt us.

GS: Right…right. So, you’ve said that you don’t care about gamers, but does Master Chief, er, do you play games?

MC: Aw no, Master Chief got no time for games. Master Chief does enjoy this game that came on his cell phone though. You match all these colored rocks up.

GS: Bejeweled?

MC: Naw, naw. You have these rocks, and they’re different colors, and you match them up in rows or all side to side.

GS: Yeah, that’s Bejewled.

MC: Naw, naw. Here, let me show you.

(At this point he pulls out his phone and turns the game on.)

GS: Right, see here when it starts up? That says “Bejewled”.

MC: Master Chief loves this game! Master Chief plays it all the time.

GS: Maybe they could make a Halo version of Bejewled.

MC: Master Chief just got an idea! They should make a Halo version of Bejeweled! Hold on!

(At this point he starts dialing a number on his phone and then puts it to his ear.)

MC: Willy G! What’s up my man? It’s Master Chief! Yeah, yeah, well you know how it is. Look man, I just got an idea. You know that game you play on your cell phone? (To me this time) What’s it called?

GS: Bejeweled.

MC: Be-what?

GS: Be-jewel-ed.

MC: (To the phone.) What? Yeah, Bejewled man! You should make a Halo Bejewled where you match up Master Chief’s head and plasma grenades and stuff. Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I know. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ha. Yeah. Ok, well let me see it once you got something. Ok. Racquetball on Saturday? Oh yeah, you know how we do! Master Chief bringing his A-Game! (Hangs up.) See, when Master Chief comes up with something, Master Chief acts on it. That’s what it’s like to be Master Chief!

GS: Right. Um, how do you respond to some of your coworkers saying less than flattering things about you? MC: Like who? GS: Sergeant Avery was quoted as saying “I’ll miss working with everyone. Well, everyone not in a visor.”

MC: Avery’s just jealous because ain’t no one putting him on no Mountain Dew.

GS: What about this quote from Cortana, “You don’t have to be downloaded into someone’s neural net to know there’s not much firing in there.”

MC: Look, Master Chief can’t be concerned ‘bout what goes on round Master Chief. It’s like, the sun has the moon going round it, but the sun don’t care ‘bout what the moon’s saying, especially when the sun hooks up with the moon after the wrap party and then the moon gets all pissed because the sun didn’t send no flowers the next morning. The sun gots better things to worry ‘bout than a whiny little moon.

GS: Actually the moon orbits the Earth.

MC: You a reporter or an Astrology Professor?

GS: Good point. Now that Halo is over, what’s in store for Master Chief?

MC: This is just the start baby! Master Chief gonna be round for a long time. You can bet on that. Master Chief don’t know what’s up next though. Maybe Master Chief will work with those French dudes, Oobisomething.

GS: Ubisoft?

MC: Yeah, You-be-soft. Or hell, maybe Master Chief go work on them Metal Gear games. Master Chief heard that Solid Snake is retiring.

GS: Wait a minute. Are you saying you’d go work for Sony?

MC: Sony, Atari, Konami, Master Chief don’t care, Master Chief---

Publicist: This interview is over! Out of the room! Everyone out of the room!

Oddly enough, several days later we received the following press release:

Microsoft Bringing Halo and Bejewled Together to Cell Phones Everywhere

REDMOND, Wash. Sept 20, 2007 – With the triumphant return of Master Chief and Halo 3, Microsoft is proud to announce the combination of gaming’s best action franchise with casual gaming’s most notable game. BeHaloed:

Bejeweled Evolved brings together Bejeweled and Halo in ways only Microsoft, and Master Chief can. Look for BeHaloed on cell phones everywhere in Q3 2008.