1. Play more co-op: 2007 was the year that I really got my co-op mojo working. I know that Gears of War was released in 2006, but 2007 was the year I tackled the Insane campaign via co-op. Double teaming General Raam with dual torque bows was a fantastic time and efficient too as it took all of about three minutes for him to be defeated. I did the entire campaign in Halo 3, on Legendary via co-op and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I didn’t have to do a blasted thing! I didn’t even have to pick up any skulls. I just hung back and acted as an anchor for my respawning teammates. I get all the achievements yet I don’t have to do anything? That’s gaming at its finest. I’m thinking that I need to try and play every game as co-op, even games that don’t have co-op. I’ll have people over to play the game with my GamerTag and I’ll just be there for moral support and to massage their aching shoulders. After all, I can’t be bothered to play my own games. I’m very busy.

2. Be a renegade: I’m in the middle of Mass Effect at the moment and I’m marveling at how much you can get done by being an unabashed a-hole. It’s nice to see that Bioware has done away with the whole good-evil thing and instead put the world in terms I can better understand. I’m not evil, I’m a renegade. I get things done. Quickly. I don’t have time for niceties. When there are colonists in the thrall of an alien intelligence, I don’t have the time to harmlessly paralyze them with gas grenades until the alien intelligence can be defeated. I’m a renegade, so I kill them all. My squad understands what it means to be a renegade, which makes it much easier. I can insult them and tell them that the stories about their dad’s military service are long and boring and they’re all like “Can I go on the next mission? Can I? Can I?” It’s great. I even tell them to run into the room of evil robots and get their asses shot off and they do it. It’s cause they know that renegades don’t have the time to fight their own battles. Renegades only have time for others to do their work for them. Renegade only have time for co-op.

3. Drink more coffee: I thought I drank a lot of coffee, but I’m a lightweight compared to that Godot guy in Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations. Not only did he drink like a cup a minute, but if you disagreed with something he said, BAM, there’s a cup ‘o hot joe in your face. That’s a caffeinated renegade if ever I saw one. Who cares if his coffee was poisoned at one time and it did something to his face. Or was it to his eyes? I don’t know. I fell asleep during that part. The point is that his coffee almost killed him, yet he still drinks it, and flings it in the direction of those that oppose him. People oppose me daily, unable to see the brilliance of my ideas, so I can get down with that kind of behavior.

4. Make a crappy movie tie-in game or mini-game compilation for the Wii Seriously, people are making tons of dough by putting together either movie games or mini game compilations and shoveling it on to the Wii only to be purchased by casual gamers who don’t know any better. How hard can it be to program for the Wii? The blasted thing runs on hamsters and rubber bands. I can’t take a big summer movie as I’m sure those rights are already snatched up. I need something that speaks to kids and is available. Hmmm, I’ve got it! The University of Buffalo Children’s Poison Prevention video ! Perfect! Here’s a movie that’s just screaming for a game tie in. You could play the part of Petey Poison on a quest to get kids to swallow him. Maybe you can shake the Wiimote to make him look like chocolate milk or something, or use the Wiimote like a water gun to spray anti-freeze on babies. It’ll be like Dewy’s Adventure, only with poison instead of water with people actually playing it. I don’t know. I’ll work it out. I’m sure EA will publish it.

5. Lie more about cake: How come when I tell people that there’s cake in the break room and there isn’t, they get pissed at me and fill my cubicle’s cabinets with dead shrimp but when GLaDOS does it, people are all like “The cake is a lie, tee-hee-hee”? It’s not fair. We all can’t be murderous super computers. Some of us just like to get people away from their desks so that we can rifle through them looking for Kit Kats. If they’d just give me the Kit Kats when I asked for them, I wouldn’t have to lie. Sheesh. Oh, by the way, there’s cake in the break room.

I think that if I can pull these resolutions off, 2008 will be my year to shine. Soon I’ll be gracing the cover of Renegade Developers Monthly with my thoughts on cake, coffee and co-op. Don’t worry; I’ll still remember all of you once I’ve hit the big time. After all, I’ll need someone to get me all those Mercenaries 2 achievements.

Mr. Binky is our resident cranky old man, and when not on Xbox Live (GamerTag: Mister Binky) can be found on his own site, Disparate Elements telling visitors to get the heck off of his lawn.