Warning: If you haven’t played Mass Effect yet, you may want to sit this one out as spoilers abound!

Personal Log: Commander Joseph Shepard, Alliance Systems Navy

Entry 003847 Eden Prime was a mess, no doubt about it. Jenkins died like five minutes after we arrived which didn’t set the tone I was hoping for in my first mission. Kaiden seemed ok with it, but that dude can be hard to read. One thing that’s been bugging me though, is that I felt so damn helpless out there. I mean, I’m a Commander and I had to cast Sabotage like nine times to take down one stinking drone. Good thing they don’t seem to be programmed to advance, because I must have hid behind the same rock for like 10 minutes waiting for my tech powers to recharge. You’d think that with all of my training, I’d be at least able to hit something with a pistol. Stupid enlistment brochures. Oh well. Mac and cheese for dinner tonight. Hooray! -Shepard out.

Entry 003856 I swear I spent the entire day running back and forth across the Citadel. Slowest. Elevators. Ever. The Normandy’s crew has grown a little since last we spoke. Picked up a Turian, a Krogan and a Qurian. All we need is a Leo and a Gemini and we’ll have the full set. Ha! Oh, I was made into a Specter today too. Yippee. All it means is that I have to go after Saren while everyone else sits on their ass, or what passes for an ass if you’re from a race of disembodies gases. While riding one of the aforementioned Biblically slow elevators, I noticed that Tali has really strange legs. Duck like, almost. Now I can’t stop staring at them. They creep me out. -Shepard out.

Entry 003864 We picked up our last crew member today, an Asari. She seems nice enough, but a little ditzy, which is odd because she’s supposed to be some genius or something. I dunno. Maybe she’s just sheltered. She seems to be interested in me, but I’m not sure I could pursue that. Honestly, I’m afraid she has like 40 nipples or something. Ashley also seems interested, but if I have to listen about her family’s military service one more time I’m going to vent myself out the air lock.

In other news, I seem to be getting better at using all of these talents, but something still doesn’t seem right. I almost feel like I’m not in control of what I end up getting better at. I know it sounds crazy, but what I really want to get better at is First Aid. I mean, it makes sense to be able to get more use out of the M-gel, but it’s like, no matter how much extra time I spend learning about First Aid, I don’t seem to be getting better at it. Hacking and damping, on the other hand, I could care less about, but I seem to be getting better and better at it, and I’m not even doing anything to learn about them. Weird. I’m probably just tired. -Shepard out.

Entry 00395 Feros is a hole. Blech. I smell like fungus now. Must have been from all of those chemical grenades. I know that the Navy couldn’t prepare me for everything, but a big, sentient plant is pretty much off the chart weird, even for this job. Unfortunately, everything didn’t go as smoothly as I would have hoped and Tali accidentally shot and killed the merchant, which sucks, because I need shaving cream and he was the only guy on the planet who could sell stuff. The Normandy requisitions officer can’t get the sensitive skin kind and my face chafes something awful, especially in these damn helmets. Damn Quorians. I’m convinced it’s because she knows that her crazy duck legs give me the wiggins. -Shepard out.

Entry 00403 Diary, I think I’m losing my mind or have contracted some sort of interstellar OCD. Bear with me. So we’ve been running all of these side missions because despite the fact that the entire galaxy is threatened, I appear to be the only person with a frakkin’ gun so I’m the only one who can find missing scientists or other similarly inconsequential BS. While we’re out there busting our humps to rescue Poindexter and his lab assistants, I’ve been doing some surveying to make a little extra money. Somehow, and I don’t know how, but I’ve gotten into the habit of casting Neural Shock on the Mako every time I get out of it. I know it’s crazy, but it’s like I can’t stop myself. Almost like I’m working towards casting it a certain number of times. Tali and Liara have been looking at me like I’m out of my head and I don’t blame them. -Shepard out.

Entry 00418 Killed Liara’s mom today. It made for some awkward moments at the lunch table, but the strange thing is that she’s still in to me. That chick is damaged goods. -Shepard out.