Folks, I’m not sure what to think of this. After the story regarding Microsoft’s cracking down on Gamerscore cheats dropped, I received a letter and an SD card in the mail. The author was pretty clear that they wanted the contents of both the letter and the card reported word for word, and I had nothing better to write about this week, so I’m presenting it here and will let you decide how authentic it is. It’s pretty scary stuff, so you’ve been warned.

Dear Mr. Binky,

I’m pretty sure that by the time you read this I won’t be around any more, but I can’t keep going on without telling someone about the things I’ve seen. I figured you were a safe bet to share my story with as no one reads your column and even if they did, they wouldn’t believe you in the first place. I know that I wouldn’t if I hadn’t been through it myself.

I’ve worked at Microsoft for several years now, in a low level marketing position. Nothing too splashy, just a guy looking to get by and score a good discount at the Microsoft store. A few months ago we started to hear about the policy of punishing Gamerscore cheats by resetting their scores and marking them as cheaters, all the stuff recently announced, but at the same time, there was a small but very vocal group saying that Microsoft wasn’t doing enough. These people seemed to think that boosting, and playing games just to bring your score up was just as bad, if not worse than the outright cheaters. Most of the company, at least the people I talked to, kind of brushed off these comments, and eventually they died down.

Then people started disappearing.

We all kind of assumed it was just folks deciding to pack it in. It is a huge company, and sometimes guys take sabbaticals or just get better offers. One day you may see someone at the cafeteria and one day you don’t, but you don’t think anything about it. This was different though as anyone who acted like they knew, also acted like they didn’t want to know.

So last week I was looking for some pens as I had run out and while I was rooting around the supply closet, I noticed that the floor had these weird marks on it, like the shelving had been slid out. I didn’t think too much about it until I remembered that I needed a stapler too. I grabbed the nearest on the shelf and when it wouldn’t move, I gave it an extra large tug. To my surprise the shelves swung open, revealing a hidden passage and a long, torch lit staircase leading down into some unseen darkness.

I don’t know why I decided to, but I followed it down until I heard voices. I made myself as small as possible and crept up and could not believe my eyes. There, in the center of a beam of light was my manager Larry. Larry is a good guy, good manager and possibly one of the biggest achievement whores I’ve ever met. This guy knows more ways to get points legally than anyone I know. He was sitting on a chair with a hood over his head, but I knew it was him because I saw him earlier in the morning and he had spilled coffee all over his shirt. Around him, raised up in some weird chairs were three figures cloaked in shadows. After a few minutes, they started talking. Luckily I had my phone with me so I could record the whole thing. I’ve made copies, one of which is on the SD card attached to this letter.

Speaker 1 (male): Mister Fitzgerald, you have been brought before this council on the most egregious of offenses.

Speaker 2 (female): Indeed, Mister Fitzgerald, you are accused of inflating your Gamerscore through illicit and dishonest means.

Speaker 3 (male, is that Major Nelson?): A crime most foul, Mister Fitzgerald. How do you plead?

Larry: What? Who are you people? Where am I?

S1: That is not important Mr. Fitzgerald. How do you plead?

Larry: Plead? I’m innocent! I’ve never cheated on my Gamerscore!

S2: LIAR!! We have proof! Proof of your foul deeds!

S3: Foul deeds!