J. J. Abram’s blockbuster take on STAR TREK rocked. It’s like the filmmakers had two lists that they were looking at when they sat down for preproduction: one was everything that was great about STAR TREK, the other was everything that sucked. They wadded the second list up and threw it in the trashcan. What’s more, I thought the film modernized and rejuvenated the characters and concepts of STAR TREK in a way that made them accessible and appealing to a much broader- and younger- audience. I had so much fun watching the film that when it was over I of course started thinking about what TREK board games I’d be wanting to play ASAP to emotionally cash in on the newfound Kirk-and-Spock mania into which I was swept. And I’m sure many readers of Cracked LCD found themselves wondering how they could bring that five-year voyage to the table as well.

Well, here’s the bad news. There is no grand, definitive TREK board game for the legions of newly christened Trekkies to rush out and buy. It’s hard to believe, but the license has yet to inspire a designer to come up with something that really captures the tone and spirit of the series and films like BATTLESTAR GALACTICA or even STAR WARS: THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT have for their respective source material. Sure, there’s plenty of mass market fodder (such as the inevitable TREK versions of MONOPOLY, SCRABBLE, UNO, and even HOW TO HOST A MURDER MYSTERY) and there’s been several collectible games including the not-too-terrible STAR TREK: RED ALERT. There have been many hobby-oriented games available over the years such as the terrifyingly complex and almost impenetrable STAR FLEET BATTLES and the almost equally cumbersome FEDERATION AND EMPIRE but the ultimate TREK game, which in my mind would be a co-op game with heavy diplomacy, an exploration element, some deduction, and naval-style tactical combat, has yet to be designed.

There are, however three games that I think are good bets for folks looking to make “Dammit Jim” and green-skinned lady jokes around the gaming table. I think these games, for me at least, capture what I like in STAR TREK the most and offer a good sense of theme. I also think that all three games are so chock-stinking full of full-frontal nerdity and raving dorkiness that they have an immediately endearing quality to anyone who spent the whole movie waiting to see a red shirt or hear the words “dilithium crystals”. Even though girls and cool guys with stylish hair and white belts are now singing TREK’s praises, its’ still a nerdly pursuit- as are these fine games.

First up is FEDERATION COMMANDER from Amarillo Design Bureau. This is a recent game and one that is still in print and widely available and extensively supported with supplements and expansions out the torpedo tube. FEDCOM is a game of ship-to-ship tactical combat in the TREK universe. But it’s not TREK. Thanks to some bizarre loophole, the publishers of the game have the rights to depict the ships and races of TREK but not to mention any characters, events, or anything to do with STAR TREK. It’s goofy and I’ve never quite understood it, but what the heck. FEDCOM is a simplified, streamlined version of STAR FLEET BATTLES, a game that measures its rulebook length in binders, not pages. Beware that just because it’s pared down and made actually playable to someone outside of top 2 percentile at MIT doesn’t mean that it’s easy. FEDCOM is easily the most complex game of these three and the level of detail and tactical possibility may very well outstrip the casual gamer’s interest.

But if you stick around, FEDCOM turns out to be an extremely cool, fun-to-play game that really captures the naval-style combat that we see the ENTERPRISE engaged in on a regular basis. I’ve heard it argued that the game plays out more like a tank battle, and I can kind of see that, but for my money I also think it’s the best space combat game on the market. At first glance, it looks pretty terrible- simple hex-and-counter gameplay coupled with some rather daunting cards used to track ship damage and the mechanics center around allocating energy to perform various actions, maneuvers, and to fire weapons so all the armchair Scottys out there will be screaming “she canna take muchmorathis!” when you’ve come up short on energy and you really, really need to shoot that disruptor at the Bird of Prey a couple of hexes in front of your ship.

There’s a lot to the game- boarding parties, drones, multi-ship scenarios, miniatures if you want them, god knows how many different ships and ship classes, Klingons, Romulans, and Tholians, oh my. It’s totally modular, adaptable, and you can do pretty much anything you want with it. It’s actually really fun just to take out a couple of Federation Ships versus a couple of Klingon vessels and just shoot the crap out of each other. If you decide to take the dive, definitely start with the first set, KLINGON BORDER. It’s a good starting place, and sadly it’s the only edition of the game I’ve played to date. Further sets add more of the other races and virtually limitless replayability. It’s a game system I’d love to get more into because there’s a lot to explore and enjoy, but it’s also one of those that I have a tough time finding parties willing to commit to such a high level of nerdiness.

But I don’t think that FEDCOM, even with its high level of detail and complexity, could possibly match the sheer dorkiness of reading a paragraph to your opponent letting them know that Mr. Spock slipped on a bar of soap in the shower and he won’t be able to make the mission. This hilarious scenario is one of hundreds that can happen in West End Games’ 1985 game STAR TREK: THE ADVENTURE GAME. ST:TAG is a paragraph-based game much like WEG’s TALES OF THE ARABIAN NIGHTS. Players take on the command of a fleet of Federation or Klingon ships and their crew and set out to explore the neutral zone between the warring empires. There’s no direct combat, rather most of the game is based on exploration. When a planet is discovered and explored, the player interacts with a book of paragraphs that functions much like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. On these missions, you’re trying to get the inhabitants to join up with your side and earn prestige points.

One of the cool things about ST:TAG is that I think it really hits a couple of the key things I want from a TREK game: exploration, a little mystery, and diplomacy. It goes about it in a sort of goofy way, but it gets the job done and it totally feels like you’re on your own TREK adventure. It’s interesting how the adventures work, too. You get to choose who you want to send and each crew member has different skills- Kirk has fighting, Uhura has communications, and so on. You can also pad the ranks with some (ahem) red shirts to soak up any losses you might incur. Once you’re in the adventure, a certain branch may require that you have a party member with a particular skill. If you have it, you go one way and if you don’t you go another. Eventually, you could wind up dying, swaying the planet to your side, or any number of other outcomes.