There are no good bowling games outside of Wii Sports

Trust me on this one. I’ve become a connoisseur of terrible bowling games and I can tell you that if you want to bowl and you don’t want to head down to the alley, suck it up and buy a Wii.

Handheld games are easier to review than console games

Have you ever tried to get a TV and an Xbox 360 on a city bus, much less power them off of the bus’s electrical system? It’s very difficult. Handhelds, on the other hand, can be played anywhere, especially under your desk at work, so you can be working and reviewing at the same time. If I could figure out a way to play my PSP and drive at the same time, I’d be even more efficient. Plus, if you have kids, they probably have the same handheld system you do, so you can just give them the game and have them play it. Take them to the ice cream parlor for a twisty cone and pocket the rest of your payment. Cha-ching! Also, statistically speaking, the main consumers of handheld titles are younger kids who probably can’t read your reviews anyway. Score one for illiteracy.

Lists are your friends

It’s true. Readers love ‘em and they make your writing so much easier. There’s no need for all of that pesky narrative and the seamless transition from one topic to another. If you want to switch gears from talking about facial animations right to multiplayer, do it in a review and you have to figure out a way to bridge the two together, but with a list, you have your friend the bullet point to be all the transition you need. I’d do every one of my reviews as a list if I could get away with it. If you’re short on feature ideas, just do a top ten list. All people want is to feel like they belong, and if they can get that feeling by reading your Top Ten Games Starting With the Letter “H” feature and then comment about what a flaming moron you are because you rated Hamtaro: Ham-Ham Heartbreak higher than Haunting Ground, so be it. You are a slave to the readers my friend, after your editor of course, so when they say dance, you dance.

If you’re supposed to be reviewing Super Smash Brothers Brawl and your editor is on your Friends List, make sure you set your online status to “Appear Offline” when signing into Live to boost Team Fortress

Ha-ha. Yeah.

I know it seems like a lot of things to keep straight but trust me, I’m just looking out for you. I want to make sure that you can be successful once you break in the business and start writing your reviews. I look forward to reading your stuff and then telling my wife about how the new guy couldn’t review himself out of a paper bag. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my son. The World Ends with You ain’t gonna play itself.