Santa Destroy – Tragedy struck this small town today when a visiting businessman was savagely beaten to death in a parking garage at the hands of a local referred to by many as “the town loon”.
Mr. Harmon Butt (pronounced “boot”), CEO of the Pizza Butt Corporation was visiting this sea side town in hopes of expanding his line of pizza parlor/shoe salons into Santa Destroy when he was brutally attacked by Santa Destroy local, Travis Touchdown, age 24. Mr. Butt’s chief of security, Austin Hamill was present to witness the horrific crime.
“We were in the parking garage, just minding our own business when this guy came out of nowhere. At first we thought he was a parking attendant or something because of his jacket, but then when we saw the fluorescent bulb in his hand, we figured he was building maintenance sent to switch out a light bulb or something. The next thing we knew, he yells something about a cranberry chocolate sundae or something and he starts hitting Mr. Butt with the light bulb. By the time we could pull him off, Mr. Butt had taken a shard of glass in the throat and was bleeding out. We then detained the guy by beating him with a tire iron until the police showed up.”
Portrait of Madness
The man arrested for the crime, Travis Touchdown, has a reputation around town as being, as one anonymous resident remarked “completely off his rocker.” Mr. Perry Spanokalips manages the “No More Heroes” Motel, where Travis Touchdown lived. “Yeah, he was a strange one, that kid. He usually kept to himself, and paid his rent on time, so I never really listened too much to what people said about him around town. One thing that was strange was that every week I had to go over to his place to unclog the toilet. I’d pull the strangest things out of there. Notes, photographs, statues, grocery lists, you name it. I’d keep telling him, look kid, you can’t keep clogging up the crapper, but he kept telling me the same thing, that he had to save all that stuff. I don’t know what the hell it meant, but it’s not like I got a lot of customers looking to visit this place, so if someone pays the rent, I just pull their Japanese animation statues, or whatever the hell they are out of the toilet and keep my mouth shut.”
Police searched Mr. Touchdown’s room for reasons behind the attack, but have not found anything that might explain the heinous crime. Police Chief Patrick Kemper was present for the search. “We found the usual things you might expect to find in the home of a degenerate killer. Video games, cartoon statues, oddly designed slim fit t-shirts and leather jackets, tapes ranging from pornography to Mexican wrestling. Clearly this guy was one of those “gamers” and as such, was a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. I’m just happy we were able to catch him before he did more damage. My brother works in Liberty City and they have no end to these psychos running around and shooting up the place.” When asked if reports were true regarding a drawer full of fluorescent light bulbs found under Mr. Touchdown’s bed Chief Kemper had no comment.
“Yeah, he was a strange kid, but he was a good worker”. Peter Hamilton owned Hamilton’s Coconut Milk stand, located in one of Santa Destroy’s many parks. He once hired Mr. Touchdown to gather coconuts for his wares. “My back ain’t what it used to be, so I can’t be punching trees and picking up coconuts like the young kids, so I put an ad in at the Job Center and Travis answered it. He seemed nice enough. Talked to himself a lot about destiny and being the best and other stuff. I’m trying to hire someone to pick up coconuts, so it’s not like I can expect Johnny Sound Mind to come walking up. His clothes looked pretty expensive, and he had that big bike, so I asked him what he needed the money for and he said he needed the entry fee so that he could knock off the world’s 9th ranked assassin. I dunno. Looking back, I probably should have told someone about it, but I thought he was just goofing on me. It’s really a shame though. He picked a damn fine coconut.”
Mr. Lovikov, the proprietor of the Gold Town tavern has a different story to tell. “I knew that kid was trouble the minute he walked in here. He kept asking me to train him in stuff, like I’m some kind of martial arts guy or something. Yeah, I used to wrestle back in the day, but I’m just trying to make a living here. So one day, after he asks me for like the hundredth time if there’s anything he can bring me so that I’ll train him and I said ‘Yeah, my balls’ thinking that he’d get the message. Well, the next day, he shows up with like 15 big, orange balls he said he picked up all around town. I still have them in the back. I should probably give them to the police. Good riddance, I say.”
Questionable Motives
Access to Mr. Touchdown was denied for this article; however an anonymous source within the prison reported that Mr. Touchdown claims that he is working with an organization called “The Association” and that he is working to become the world’s top ranked assassin. Furthermore, Mr. Touchdown claims he has already killed the 10th ranked assassin, a man he called “Death Metal” and that this could all be corroborated by his handler, a woman he called “Sylvia”. According to Mr. Touchdown, “Sylvia” has called his cell phone numerous times and “The Association” Has left messages regarding contacts on his machine. Sources within the police department’s forensic lab have said that the only messages on Mr. Touchdown’s answering machine were in regards to overdue pornographic video tapes.
