Greetings Smash Brothers fans! Let’s have a chat—just us. I know that you’re all enjoying the game, as I am, and I know that with all things, folks aren’t completely happy with something until they can complain bitterly about it on the internet. With that in mind, I’m here to address all of your Super Smash Brothers Brawl complaints. You can thank me later.

I wanted --insert character here-- on the roster.

What, thirty-five playable characters aren’t enough for you? Look, I love non-Nintendo games just as much as the rest of you, but seriously, who else do you want in this game? Let’s look at who’s out there. Kratos? Right, because when you look at the cute but slightly racially insensitive plumber, the pink floating puffball and the dual blade wielding, disemboweling, sex fiend, the last one fits right in there. What would his Final Smash be anyway? A three-way with Zelda and Peach and then ripping the heads off of everyone else in the match? Next up, Master Chief. First of all, DOA did it already, second of all, the only reason that Snake is in SSBB is because he was on the NES and Sonic…because no one cares about Sonic any more. Master Chief is the biggest symbol of gaming on the 360, so there’s no way in Hyrule that he’d be found anywhere near a Nintendo console. Dante or Nero from Devil May Cry? Between Marth and Ike, I think we have enough effeminate sword wielders for one game. More Sonic characters? See my previous comment about no one caring about Sonic.

All the guys with swords play exactly the same.

The only people saying this are those that don’t actually play as any of these characters. Here’s what I want you to do. Get really good with, say, Meta Knight. Then, start up a match as Ike and see how well you do. Even Marth and Ike play differently and they look like they go to the same hairdresser and the same tailor. I’ll give you the similarities between Link and Toon Link, but they’re the same guy, or the same guy in different timelines. You know, I never really understood that whole thing anyway. So Toon Link is a future Link or a past Link? And what’s the deal with Sheik and Zelda? Wait, what was I talking about again?

Brawl is too much like Melee.

Well, duh. Melee sold more than seven million copies, how much did you think they were going to change things up? Apple pie has been around since the 1300’s but when you get a piece of apple pie put in front of you, do you complain that it’s the same pie people have been eating for over 600 years? No, of course not! You eat it, and you like it. Smash Brothers is the same way so unless you’re a communist, or allergic to apples— eat your apple pie and be happy with it. (for the record…I love apple pie. -- )

I can’t play online.

All of the great online games had problems when the first launched. Look at World of Warcraft when it first came out, or heck, look at Live this past Christmas. No one could get on for weeks. Your inability to play online in Brawl is a badge of honor for the game, no…a trophy! You should be proud that the game is so popular as to bring Nintendo’s servers to their knees. Luckily matches with friends are ok, and there’s a better chance that your friends will go easier on you than the random guy playing as MetaLinkPitMarthIke Knight or the four year old playing as Pikachu. I’m sure the servers will be fixed in no time and soon you’ll be playing online, getting humiliated and going back to fights against the CPU with the AI set to “Sedentary.”

The Subspace Emissary mode is kind of lame.