It's that time again folks, time to recognize the various flaws and foibles foisted on an unsuspecting gaming public last year. Oh sure we all had a great time rocking out in Rock Band 2 and we all thrilled to explosive, WW II combat in Call of Duty: World at War, but it wasn't all good in the gaming 'hood. Some things went slightly awry, some ideas didn't quite hit their mark and some things flat out sucked. Today we celebrate such suckage. I present to you the GameShark Dubious Achievement Awards for 2008, complete with tons of spoiler-y goodness. (Really, spoilers abound. You have been warned.)
Most Infuriating Game - Mercenaries 2
What was the most infuriating thing about Mercenaries 2? Gee, I don't know, take your pick. Could it be the glitched achievements that would never pop, no matter how many grenades you threw or rockets you launched? Could it be the various faction targets that would occasionally disappear as you're trying to blow them up? Could it be the long, interminable wait for the DLC only to find out that the new missions weren't integrated into the main story, nor were the new skins? Or could it be the long list of bug fixes that folks are still waiting for? It's all of these things, combined with a healthy dose of "I know that this game is buggy as hell, but I can't stop playing it." Sure it was fun to blow things up, but the various bugs, glitches and brain dead AI made you pay a pretty price for your detonations.
Worst Tonal Shift - Gears of War 2
Oh sure, Saints Row 2 had you performing impromptu, roadside euthanasia on one of your lieutenants after they had been dragged in the street by a rival gang, only to then switch to a campy activity where you throw overzealous fans into bulldozers, but those shifts in tone were a) intended and b) avoidable. If you just stuck to the story in Saints Row 2 it' was nothing but grit, grit and more grit. Gears of War 2 on the other hand, tried to make us care about Dom's wife, dragging us along with him as he bothered everyone he could talk to about finding her. Then once he did find her, and had to perform some impromptu euthanasia of his own, he immediately went back to shouting off things like "'Sup bitches!" and "Sweet!" whenever he found combat to his liking. Hey, Dom, far be it from me to tell you how to grieve for your long lost wife, but maybe tone down the enthusiasm over finding some ammo just a tad. Maybe I just read his emotions wrong and Dom was just excited that he could now cruise the Stranded for dates. Sweet!
Worst Wardrobe Malfunction - Too Human
Too Human was touted as being everything to everyone, but particularly, mana from Heaven for the loot hoarders among us. Sure enough, beating on goblins and Ice Trolls caused a veritable monsoon of goodies to fall to the ground, as if you were beating on armor filled piñatas rather than cybernetic, whatever the hell they were supposed to be.
Loot is always good, however if you're going to make cut scenes using the game's engine, rendering the main character on the fly, you might not want to make said cut scene a flashback. Let me explain. A short time into the first level of Too Human, I beat up on some goblins and earn myself some shiny red armor. Oooh, pretty! Shortly after that, someone asks Baldur why they're there, and after he thoughtfully places his finger to his chin, a flashback scene started. The only problem was that in the flashback I was wearing my red armor. You know…the armor I had just picked up. Talk about confused! As if the game's plot wasn't all over the place to begin with, now I'm wondering if Baldur can travel through time as well as slide around like an air hockey puck. Stick to the rendered cut scenes fellas, or at least keep the armor the same color.
Easiest Road to Bankruptcy - Big Fish Games Monthly Game Club
Big Fish Games is a casual game lover's dream. As the site touts all over the place, there's a new game every day ranging from hidden object games to Bejeweled clones to time management games. Home to Fairway Solitaire, one of the greatest casual games in recent memory, it's also home to a monthly game club where every month you pay them a certain amount of money and they give you game tokens that you can then use to buy games. The more money you pay, the more tokens you get. Not a bad deal right? Wrong.
It is a very bad deal because you can spend an inordinate amount of money buying every Hidden Object game ever made. Then, when you try to quit because your wife is all like "What's with all of these emails from PayPal?" Big Fish Games sends you an email saying that you can just ratchet down your club purchases to every other month. Of course, that makes perfect sense! You're still going to go bankrupt; it will only take you twice as long! Joy! Perhaps I can hire myself out as a Private Investigator specializing in lost keys and gardening implements to pay for all of it. I have a lot of experience in finding both.
Most Disappointing System Seller - Anything on the PS3
It seems that every month of 2008 had some new, shiny game that was going to make PS3s fly off the shelf as if buying one was the only thing standing between you and certain doom. GTA IV, Metal Gear Solid 4, LittleBigPlanet, Resistance 2, Home, they all came and went and the sales numbers barely budged. Oh sure, there was some small, monthly uptick when each game was released, but nothing that was consistent, and even MGS4, which was offered in a bundle with an actual system, failed to move units as MGS4 themed PS3s were still available months after the game launched. With so many entertainment choices available to us, are the days of the system seller behind us? Maybe. Or maybe people can't afford a $400 console no matter what's on it. I know I can't. I'm too broke from buying all of those Big Fish tokens.
Least Capable of Understanding What "Sneak" Means - Zoey - Left 4 Dead
You round the corner having just taken out dozens of zombies. Bill is limping, Francis is almost dead, Louis is barely hanging on and Zoey is one incapacitation away from taking a one way trip to the survivor closet. As you get a momentarily respite from the carnage, you hear it: the sad, mournful weeping of a witch. OK, everyone lights off, crouch down and do not make a sound. Wait, where's Zoey? Guys, where is Zoey? Crap! Zoey, do not go near her. What?! No, do not touch her! She does not need a hug. Dang it! Reload boys, here we go again!
Most Detrimental to my OCD - The Pin Mini Game - The World Ends With You
The World Ends With You was a lot of things, unfortunately "home to an obsessive compulsive's inventory management dream" was one of them. The weapons in TWEWY were pins that afforded powers and resistances when equipped. Most pins could be evolved by wearing them in battle, wearing them while you weren't playing the game, or using them in multiplayer. Some pins could be evolved into two different pins depending on how you evolved them. All of the pins were only useful when certain brands were at the top of the popularity charts meaning that having a full stable of pins was necessary for success as you moved around the game world. To say that the pin management was a game in and of itself was an understatement. It was a career in and of itself. I bought a strategy guide just for the pins, as looking up the pin information on GameFaqs took too long. During my second run through the game I never finished the main story because I got sidetracked on doing nothing but evolving pins. When I close my eyes, all I see are pins. They whisper to me in my sleep. They haunt my dreams. The pins are my life! Make it stop! Please, make it stop!
