Game: Duke Nukem Forever
Platform: Xbox 360; PS3; PC
Publisher: 2K Games
Developer: 3DRealms, GearBox, Triptych, Piranha
ESRB: M
Genre: Shooter
Players: 1-4
What's Hot: Plastic case can be used to hold a different game or used as coaster
What's Not: What’s in the plastic case, originally
Review by: Jason McMaster
This is a short review because Duke Nukem Forever doesn’t deserve or require a long, drawn out written evaluation. This game is bad. It’s not worth buying, renting, or playing a loaner copy.
I have a receipt from my original Duke Nukem pre-order; it’s packed away as a souvenir of times gone by. At one point in my life, I hadn’t seen my dad for a few years and I had this memory of him: the man I grew up with, dark haired and quick with a joke. When I saw him, his hair had grayed and his eyes had grown tired, though they still managed to keep a sense of mirth. Much like my dad, Duke Nukem has aged, but not as well. Unlike my dad, his sense of humor has grown worse and lacks the sense of care that once was the highlight of what made Duke...Duke. Now, he just spits out a list of one-liners that rarely make sense and are just pop-culture references that lost their relevance months, if not years ago. Then there’s the game itself…
It’s not like there’s been a lack of biting game reviews for Duke Nukem Forever. I know my score will make me a 'bad' reviewer and take me off of lists for review copies, etc., but it’s worth it if I can stop one person from buying this game. That’s the long and the short of it. So, let’s take a few minutes to look at the individual parts that make this game so bad and why you should avoid it even if given away for free.
The design is painful from top to bottom. The levels are all too long and unattractive. You wander into an area, are piled on by monsters and, once you’ve slain them all, you hear a tone. The tone means that all the “ass kicking” is finished and it’s time to move on. I associate this tone with “Thank GOD, I don’t have to fight any more” as the combat is mundane, stale, and dated. I could never find a comfortable level to set the aim sensitivity; there are always too many enemies, never an amount that feels entertaining, and the weapons never feel powerful enough. It’s easy to die, and die you will. Duke’s a bad ass only in his mind, I suppose. This is particularly upsetting due to the extreme load times. Really long, irritating, load times. What exactly is loading? Surely it isn’t the graphics, which much like the rest of the game is a throwback to another era.
The audio component is just as bad if not worse. John St. John, the original voice of Duke, returns but it’s not like he really added anything to the presentation. Duke Nukem no longer sounds bad ass – just tired. “Pardon me, do you fancy Juicy Fruit? The taste will move you!” Sad.
Then, when you think the game can’t get any worse, it manages to get disturbing. Remember the pods from Duke Nukem 3D? They’re in this game too, but they’re well modeled nude young women that are weeping and begging for their daddies. You then have to kill them or they erupt with aliens. There should be a rule about making a game that includes room after room of helpless, weeping, begging women, waiting for death.
There’s going to be a part of you that wants to buy it just for nostalgia. Some part of you will want to hear Duke’s voice saying something stupid, tongue in cheek, as he finishes off a bad guy. Do your best to fight against this urge, because it leads only to heartache.
I could go on at length about the bad level design, the repeated attempts at humor, the shockingly poor and limited multiplayer and more examples of the "nothing new here" gameplay but it is best just to forget about Duke Nukem Forever. Forget about it entirely, because you’re missing nothing.
Jason McMaster is a regular contributor to GameShark.
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