There are very few “sure things” but Hellgate: London certainly seemed like one of them. Former Blizzard guys making a new IP where you kill hoards of demons in a sort of 3D Diablo-style with tons of loot, monsters, leveling, and multiplayer support that would, if you believed what you read, be like an MMO in a action RPG world. The previews were glowing— the hype was big despite the fact that no one could really explain the game’s “subscription” model. Why did they want an additional $10 a month? Hey – maybe this is an MMO after all? Well, not only is Hellgate not an MMO—and if it is it’s a lousy one, but the action RPG part of the game is no great shakes, either. In all, this is the most shocking game of 2007 in that it’s just not that good. It’s serviceable at best.

There are a lot of problems with the game from a technical standpoint but perhaps the greatest failure is that it’s just plain boring. Over 20 years ago, comedian George Carlin did a bit talking about how all “racket games” are just derivatives of Ping Pong played while standing on the table. Even Volleyball is racket-less team Ping Pong with a ball and a raised and inflated net played while standing on the table. Carlin was talking about why the game isn’t a sport. This analogy works for Hellgate, too. Almost all modern day action RPGs can be traced back to Diablo. Games continue to use its model and some, like FATE, even blatantly take the design and retool it to fit its needs. Titan Quest – same thing. Fun games, but they all go back to Blizzard’s blockbuster.

Hellgate: London, when you get right down to it, is a derivative of Diablo, except it’s in pseudo 3D and set in London. You work the left mouse button over and over and over again, killing waves of monsters, collecting mostly useless loot and gaining levels. It’s basically action RPG 101. Where the game falls down is in its shocking lack of variety. Yes, there are several classes and they’re all different and actually very well thought out, but an action RPG where the gameplay boils down to you wearing the left mouse button out absolutely depends on variety – in both the areas you explore, the monsters you kill, the skills you acquire, and the loot you wear. If there’s not a tasty carrot hanging at the end of the line it all seems rather pointless.

For example, the highly touted feature of random, on the fly areas sounds great on paper – every time you enter a new hub it’s unique, which should obviously boost replay value. But it doesn’t. You’re basically exploring the same subway tunnels and city streets over and over again. The monsters might be different and other things might be randomized but seeing the same layouts for hours on end is just plain annoying. The same can be said for the items you find, particularly armor sets. Sure, there are different powers and traits for items but most of them look the same. Part of the fun of these types of games is donning wildly unique outfits but my “rare” helmet looks a hell of a lot like the standard one.

Then there are the skills. The character classes are fine, but the skills that are obtained through gaining levels are tired and boring. It’s all well and good to borrow ideas from MMOs like World of WarCraft but adding skills that lower the cooldown rate of a skill for half a second shouldn’t be on the copy list. You spend an hour fighting waves of mindless demon fodder and you are rewarded with…that? That’s just on example; the skills are a problem simply because they lack any real punch – Diablo II had a more interesting roster of abilities.

There are other quibbles. How can Hellgate not have an auto-sort for inventory? It becomes a jigsaw puzzle trying to manipulate your stash just so you can fit in new gear that you find. How can you not allow players to “re-spec” their skill list? There’s no way to change your skill selections once you make a choice. What if you simply make a bad choice? This is basic stuff that the game just simply fails to do.

In fact, the only thing that Hellgate clearly has over its predecessors are graphics, the camera view, and the fact that you can upgrade gear, which is by no means a revolutionary thing since a lot of games do that today. The story? Who cares. These action RPGs are not built on story; this isn’t The Witcher we’re talking about here. You were in a small generic fantasy village in Diablo and had to kill a big bad demon. Here you’re in a slightly futuristic London and have kill a big bad demon.