Review by: Brandon "Four Square" Cackowski-Schnell

If I concentrate hard enough, I think I can remember a time before Picross 3D. It seems odd, but I remember a guy who played other games, who ate, who slept. A guy who didn't stare at large blocks and imagine the pixellated cutting board or metronome lurking within. A guy who didn't buy Velveeta, bring it home and hit it with a hammer until a little, tiny boxer puppy emerged. I remember someone who didn't legally change his kids' names to Column and Row. I think I remember that guy. It's possible that was me.

Picross 3D is that kind of game, the kind that burrows itself into your mind, puts down hooks and never, ever leaves. Oh sure, it looks innocent enough with its friendly presentation and odd, duck-esque yellow and orange mascot. It starts gently enough, showing you how to look at a column or row and determine how many blocks need to be chipped away. A row with the number 2 on it means only two blocks will remain and they'll be right next to each other. A 2 with a circle around it means two blocks separated by at least one space. A number with a square around it means that number of blocks separated by two difference spaces. The game shows you how to work the slicers, sliding tabs that let you see inside the puzzles and work the inner rows and columns. It holds your hand while you make simple things like letters and puppies and then shows you some goofy yet endearing animation of the letter in front of a clip-art graphic culled from a 20th century HR presentation. It says, “I'm fun, I'm cute, I'm casual, let's play.”

Yeah, well you know what Picross 3D? You're a liar. A dirty, filthy liar. For one, you're hard. Oh don't try and deny it. Moving to 3D is more than just adding an extra dimension, it's adding a new level of creativity in terms of how items are displayed as well as how puzzles are constructed. Sure you show me a backdrop of a soccer pitch, so I know the puzzle is footie themed, but making the goalie on his side, diving for the ball? That's just mean. Sure you start off with tons of zero labeled rows and columns that I can blast through all in one sweep, but what about the circle twos lurking afterwards? There are five single blocks just hanging around, all separated by spaces. That circle two could be anywhere! Anywhere!

Yeah, I can use logic and educated guesses and with an ample set of up to five mistakes to make before I fail the puzzle, you certainly are accommodating but what if I want to unlock the bonus puzzles? What then? I have to either not make a mistake, or get the puzzle done within the time limit, or both. Sure, every level has eight puzzles and plenty of chances to get enough stars, but what's my reward for unlocking the bonus puzzles? More awesome puzzles? Yeah, like that's worth it.

And don't get me started on the ability to download new puzzle packs over the DS's WiFi connectivity. I don't want more puzzles and the ability to make my own puzzles and submit them for themed contests. Who wants a robust puzzle creation mode any way? Who wants to download puzzles of iconic Nintendo characters or adorable housepets? I don't, and I don't want to keep checking every day for more puzzles, sometimes several times a day, sometimes stopping at nine or ten free WiFi hotspots on my way home to check for new puzzles. I don't want to do that. I don't want to let up to four people have a profile on the same cartridge either because then I'd have to share, and I don't share well. I'm not a good sharer. I want all of the puzzles, me.

So yeah, Picross 3D, you may think you're all that with your addictive blend of creative puzzles that combine brain wrenching logic with the artistic joy of uncovering a delightful depiction lurking within a block of unfeeling rock. You may think it's all cool to whip around one of your puzzles, slice in to take our a row and column, slice out to tap off a block here and there and ultimately uncover something you didn't expect and then get to see a cutesy animation. You may have hundreds upon hundreds of puzzles that gently slide up in difficulty. Yeah, you think you're hot, but I know better and I don't like you, not one bit.

P.S. I love you. Don't ever leave.