It's holiday time, and you know what that means! That's right, gorging yourself on junk food until the sight of a sugar cookie causes an uncontrollable gag reflex. Wait, that's not it. I've got it! Gifts! And tons of 'em. You've been a good little boy or girl and undoubtedly you deserve everything your heart desires. After all, what is this season about, if not rampant commercialism and unchecked greed? What now? Giving? I don't understand. This season is about giving? Well, duh. How am I supposed to get things if you don't give them to me? Sheesh. Try and keep up.

By now I'm sure you've seen all manner of holiday gift guides designed to tell you what to buy for others so that you don't have to put any thought into what everyone on your list would actually want, or need. They're great and all, I mean, who knows better what your mom wants than the fine folks at True Value hardware, but here at The House of Binky, we have found that the traditional guides don't speak to the heart of what gamers really want, or more importantly, what I really want. After all, nothing says "Happy Holidays" like completely disregarding the desires of others so that you get what you want. With that in mind, I present to you the 17th Annual Binktastic Non-Denominational Holiday Gift Giving Guide Filled With Things That You Can Buy Me.

1.) Wally the Achievement Gnome

I don't know about you, but some times Achievements can be a real drag. I mean, rescuing instead of killing all of those HVT's in Mercenaries 2 is a serious pain. Still, without spending dozens of hours doing mindlessly repetitive tasks for 20 points towards a meaningless score, how can I validate my own useless existence? With Wally the Achievement Gnome, I'm no longer shackled to the Xbox, grinding kills in Gears of War 2, Wally is! Wally is a mystical creature who lives for nothing but getting Achievement points and sweet, sweet liquor. As long as you keep Wally's supply of cheap scotch filled, he'll happily get you whatever points you want. Just make sure you keep the kids away from Wally as when he's on a bender he's been known to bit the fingers off of children. I guess there are three things that Wally can't get enough of! Precious!

2.) Buy-A-Save

How many times have you found yourself in the middle of a multi-stage boss fight when you have to leave to go to work, or eat dinner, or drive your ailing Aunt to the hospital because she fell down the stairs? At these moments, what's a gamer to do? Sure, you can be late to work and claim that there was an accident, or you can have your dinner grow cold or you can make your Aunt wait, after all, it's not like this is the first time she's taken a tumble, but what you really need is the ability to have a save point wherever you want it, well, that and the ability to find the game designer who thinks that you have nothing else but time to play their crappy game and kick them in the nuts. With Buy-A-Save, simply tie your credit card to your Buy-A-Save account, and whenever you need a save, press the Buy-A-Save button and ta-da! For the low, low cost of $29.95, a save point is magically yours. Now you can get to work on time, eat a warm dinner and drive Aunt Sally to the hospital. Everyone wins! (...or you could play a game on the PC!-- ed)

3.) Wii Fit Weights

Remember when you bought Wii Fit because you realized that you needed to make a change, and reduced fat Cheetos tasted like packing material? Oh how you stretched and strained, doing push up after push up, working your body into the peak of human perfection for all of about seven minutes before realizing what everyone else already knows, namely that exercising sucks? It's too bad you didn't find that out before installing the Wii Fit challenge on your Wii's Home menu and now every time you boot up your console to play Mega Man 9 your chunky little avatar stares at you with disapproving eyes, reminding you that it's been six months since your last weigh in. What's a person to do? Why, cheat, of course. With the Wii Fit Weights, you can combine weights of various sizes to represent your current weight, throw them on the balance board and let them take the place of your lazy ass for your fitness test. Every day you put fewer and fewer weights on the board to make Wii Fit think that you're actually losing weight. Wii Fit is proud of you, and you get to stick to your lazy, slothful ways. Everyone wins! Especially your cardiologist who will eventually buy a boat from the proceeds of your quadruple bypass.

4.) Resistance 2 Temporal Fugue Inducer

Resistance 2 needs about 420 hours to fully max out all of the classes and weapons and whatever else needs maxing out in the game, and while you may have 18 straight days to devote towards maxing everything out, all of that work can't be the most exciting times you'll ever have. Enter the Resistance 2 Temporal Fugue Inducer. Simply place the mask over your face and hit the switch and breathe deep. 20 days later you'll come to, and all of those classes will be at their peak. Oh sure, you may also be married to your dog, own a chinchilla farm in Plano, Texas and have committed seventeen felonies, but hey, just plead ignorance at your trial and I'm sure they'll go very easy on you. Besides, you're not a true gamer if you haven't gamed your way to a jail sentence at least once in your life.

5.) Ten Minutes of Undivided Attention From Your Significant Other

How many times has this happened? You come up for air from a marathon gaming session and start telling your significant other about how awesome you were during your raid, or your Submission match and within ten seconds, their eyes have glazed over and you can tell that they're not paying attention to you, if they're even conscious. The reason for this is that you are incredibly boring. Well, maybe not you, but your stories sure are and seeing how you're telling the stories, by extension, you are too. The only reason your friends listen to you is because they're not listening, they're just waiting for you to shut your pie hole so that they can share their boring ass story about what they did when gaming. With this gift, not only will your significant other not fall asleep when you're talking, but they'll actually listen to you, and care. Pick your conversation topic well though, as ten minutes goes by quickly, and you'd hate to waste it on explaining just what an epic mount is.

These are just a few gifts waiting to take you on your trip to gaming glory. Save the ironic t-shirts and USB sock warmers for the poseurs in your gaming group. You're hardcore and you have the chinchilla farm to prove it.

Questions or comments for Mr. Binky? Send them here. .